My application cover letter for the Manchester United managerial role
Dear Manchester United and the Right Honourable Glazers,
It has come to my attention that Mr David Moyes has been removed from the Managerial position of Manchester United Football Club. I have also been informed through reliable sources (Jeff Stelling on Sky Sports and that guy who used to present Blue Peter) that longstanding professional footballer, Ryan Giggs, has been instated as the interim manager of the team. A fine if somewhat reactionary choice, if I may say so. Although Mr Giggs is a fine leader of men and is currently earning his managerial badges with a long term goal to forge a career within football management, his position as interim manager of the Manchester United is by the very definition of ‘interim’, a short term affair. I believe this is my opportunity, nay, responsibility to show a vested interest in managing the Red Devils, and to create an Empire of Football, to which the universe has never seen before!
Of course credentials and experience are essential to manage a top flight team and in my case, I could not be better suited to the role.
After a whirlwind interview process and negotiation period, I was appointed manager of York City with unfaltering and unanimous support by myself, through the high watermark of all football-ing formats, FIFA 13 for the PS3. It has now been almost 2 months since I took charge at the helm of the good ship York City. We have seen peaks and troughs, highs and lows, that sweet flavour of victory, the addictive drug of success, if albeit finite, plus the cold smack of defeat (not often I might add, I am a fantastic manager after all).
As an accomplished manager of a professional football club that has had two successive top of the league, promotion winning seasons, the prospect of hiring this man is already starting to taste pretty darn delicious.
During my first season managing York City, I brought in several new players to support the team, developing those players to greater levels of fitness and overall skill. Steven Kerr for example, came on in leaps and bounds, becoming a stalwart in midfield, a rock for the opposing team’s waves of attack to break against. My strongest addition to the team clearly had to be Singh the goalkeeper, who was called up for international duty for India.
We won that season, we won it hard.
During York City’s first foray in to League 1 under my stewardship the team grew further, Danny Blanchett making headways and causing problems for the defence, Oli Johnson being a dangerous striker upfront, supporting out promotion hopes. My relationship with Scottish team Celtic FC (You may have heard of them, if not, give them a google) continued to strive, I negotiated Tony Watt’s second season long loan at York City and in the FA Cup I took victory from the Premiership side Swansea FC, and earned a repeat fixture with Chelsea. I think we can all agreed here, as a team York City was punching above its weight there, but showed pith and vigour during our cup run.
It wasn’t all sunshine and light though, as mentioned earlier, we felt the cold smack of defeat against lesser teams, but remained triumphant and true to our belief that promotion the team’s destiny, it was my destiny as a manager to succeed, to take York City as far as possible.
I now find myself managing a Championship team, soon inevitably, to become a Premiership team. There is one thing I can guarantee if you don’t hire me, and that is that Manchester United with be defeated (on FIFA 13). They will be humbled, they will be humiliated, they will be broken and beaten, and York City will be triumphant, victorious and all conquering.
Is this what you the Glazers, and you the board members, want to see? To see the once proud and powerful Manchester United defeated by York City (on FIFA 13)? I don’t think so. I think you want it the other way. I think you need a manager to take control of a team and push it to win, against all the odds, to be the champions, to be the best around, ain’t nobody gonna put you down! You will be the best around…if you hire me!
Hire me and I can personally guarantee we will win the Premiership, we will win the FA Cup, we will sort out the National Debt, we will relocate the capital of England to somewhere more north, we will possibly contact alien life and I’ll certainly give it a go to ensure that Radio 1 stops playing god awful music as well.
I’m young, I’m dynamic, I have glasses so I look way smarter than people without glasses, I only gamble a little and that’s usually at the start of the month when I have some disposable income, and more importantly than anything, I promise to never take managerial or financial advice from Harry Redknapp.
I’m your man, you know I’m your man, let’s tell the world!